Ricizzle

I had to run to the bathroom before anybody saw me.  It just bothers me how little support I’ve been getting the passed couple days.  I mean okay that’s a lie, it bothers me how little support I’ve been getting from a specific person the past couple days.  They keep running around with everyone else.  I’m sorry for being needy but I can’t be alone right now.  Not even for a moment.  I’ll drive myself crazy.  You keep making me be alone.  I hate it.

So because my best friend died, they decided to cancel Moondance for this year.  Moondance is the film festival we have every year and this year was supposed to be our film teacher’s last one and we were going out with a bang. We worked so fucking hard for it all year.  I made half the $500 to rent the theatre myself.  I worked my ass off on three films with almost no support from anyone else.  I did so much and now they’re saying they’ll feature our films in next years Moondance?  Fuck that shit, we never got our Moondance and now fucking next year they have nothing to worry about because the shirts are made,  the discs are already donated, Cinema Paradiso is paid for and if they use our posters (another $200) because it’ll technically be the 8th moondance that shits already done too.  I’m just so mad.  And I know it’s selfish but I’m fucking pissed off.  I’m the best friend so I have a right to express this.  Christian wouldn’t have wanted this.

Not even his fucking family that is still alive wants this.  They were all looking forward to it.  His birth father even contacted me today just to ask if it would be okay if he attended the event aside from the situation.  Why?  Because he was excited to see his son on the big screen for the first and last time.  What am I supposed to tell him now? 

I asked them to burn two CDs with the films of Chris in them so I could give one copy to his mother and one to his father.  But fuck, I’m pissed.

And you don’t seem to understand.  My best friend is dead.  Why would you treat me like shit now?  Why can’t you just be more patient with me?  Why don’t you comfort me?  Who does that?  Why can’t you grow up?  Why do you have to pretend to be mad at me in hopes of getting attention?  Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why?

I’m sorry, I’m really a mess right now
I’m trying my best to get it together somehow
I can’t see this way, light up in this pain that you left me in
I’m unraveling, looking for things that will never be

Stars fade away, they just crash into space
Disappear from the light like you and I

Tell me where love goes when it’s gone
Tell me where hearts go when they go wrong
Suddenly someone is no one
I’ve come undone, undone, undone
Undone, undone, undone

I’m sorry, I let me fall for you
I can[‘t] erase you and forget you [] I can’t undo you
You’re the hand I can’t hold, the words I’m not told when I’m lonely
And I [] want you back, I just wanna have what you took from me

Stars fade away, they just crash into space
Disappear from the light like you and I

Tell me where love goes when it’s gone
Tell me where hearts go when they go wrong
Suddenly someone is no one
I’ve come undone, undone, undone

I’ll come around again
I know it’s not the end
But right now I’ve got nowhere to begin
To begin

Tell me where love goes when it’s gone
Tell me where hearts go when they go wrong
Suddenly someone is no one
I’ve come undone, undone, undone

Nothing but emptiness inside
Love leaves a black hole when it dies
How can I ever love again,
I’ve come undone, undone, undone
Undone, undone, undone
Undone, undone

It was the first day I haven’t cried since the incident and I thought quite possibly I was getting through it, but I just finished crying my eyes out again.  I fucking hate this, I can’t believe that in an hour, it will already be a week since you left us.  You’re my best friend, it’s too hard for me to live without you.

I’ve been strong and happy in front of other people but whenever I’m alone I instantly break down and just get destroyed. I laugh at stupid shit to cover up for the pain and I’m just trying to keep my days packed from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep so I don’t have to cry.

He got buried today.

I hate thinking he’s not around anymore.  I hate thinking of what he did to end his life.  I hate talking to him and getting no response.  I need him.  I need someone to talk to.  He is always my someone to talk to.

Tonight we had the final memorial, I actually got to see him lying their dead, open casket and all, for the first time.

He’s the first person I’ve ever known that has die, I was new to the whole thing.  I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to touch him or not but then after a while I said screw it and I just held his hand with mine for a really long time.

I also had a heart to heart with his mom tonight.  She told me everything.  Everything that happened that night.  How they found him.  How he did it.  I don’t think I’ll discuss the details with anyone though, I’m really appreciative that she told me she thought I had a right to know.

She told me that when she was going through his stuff one day, she found his school ID attached to mine and they were wrapped in a paper that said “best friend” on it.  That made my night.  He really loves me.  Like extremely.

And I was just laughing because I had no idea.  That was the ID I lost on the college tour trip last year and today I found out that I didn’t lose it, Chris stole it, but he stole it for something sweet.

I’m handling it pretty well, I’m not happy, but I’m content, I can say that I’m okay and I think I’m ready for him to be buried.  At some point of the night, when I was just staring at him, I heard him say, I’m still here with you.  Remember, you tell me everything so whenever you need to talk I’m still here with you.

I put a note in his jacket, telling him the one little little thing that I never told him.  I thanked him for everything.  I told him I love him.

I’m ready.